Thursday, September 30, 2010

Future. Music. Writing. Cursing. I am nagging.

I don't feel so good for no reason.

There's something bothering me. Something so very wrong. I don't feel well. Happy? I am not sure. Maybe lah, but who gives a shit?

Maybe it's my future. 'Future' is one word that can make me cry. 'Future' is a powerful word.

Referring to my condition right now, whatever I see in me makes me worry. I am gambling my future. I gave back my student title to ASWARA. I am unemployed. Freelance, but that's the thing, freelance. Sometimes people need me, sometimes they don't. Compare myself to others in my age, I am nothing. I don't know anything except music and writing.

How can I make money? My answer is 'I seriously do not know'. It doesn't really matter now because I am living with my parents but I cannot live with them forever. Future.

Future. Music. Writing.

So I may never get a diploma in music. It's okay for me though. It's not you who will not get the diploma.

"Sia-sia lah your hard work? (music studies)"

All I can say is 'NO'. I did not spend my money for nothing. I have learnt violin, music theory, keyboard, etc. Not everyone get the chance to play in ensemble. Not everyone can read music scores. I guess the question (or not a question?) above bothers me too? Guess so. But 1 thing I know for sure:


You might turn into batu or lalat or whatever. Okay. Joking.

I hate it when people talk about what they do not know. It is as if they were interrupting my conversation with A. Samad Said. No, I have never met A. Samad Said but I guess you can picture how I would react if someone was interrupting my conversation with one of my idols?


I don't know anything except music and writing.
At least I am alive and I am doing what I know best.

Ahh sudahh....!
I take back my word! I am not 'nothing'. I know something that not many know. There are people who appreciate my work. I have my weapons.
The only weapons I am gambling on are music and writing. I speak through poetry and there's always music keeping me company.
What will become of me?

We'll see, in the future.

Let's gamble.

Kimi Ismawi

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I Keep on Walking

I came to your place, unknown
Torn somehow secured
I saw my future, bright
What I have left behind, dark
I kept on walking and breathing
A look so deceiving
Ignored, I kept on walking

I was lost
Knew no one
Knew no direction
I was a linseed grain
A musician with no brain
A musician with no tune
And I met you
Ignored, I kept on walking

I had no friends
But you were always there
You brought smiles
I took it
I have lived with it
You told me, "It's alright, you won't be alone",
I consumed it
I bought it
A look so deceiving
Ignored, I kept on walking

We talked
We walked
A violin and a stage
A bitter smile I managed
You were near me
I heard words from you
Of luck
No dust
Of love
I trust
Thank you
I cared, I kept on walking

We talked
We walked
You talked
False alarm
I walked
I left
You stared
I was scared
I cared, I kept on walking

I am still lost
You smile and I see the smile that is so familiar
I realized I am living with it
And I cry
I cry
I cry
A bitter smile I manage
You are always near me
I care, I keep on walking

I am lost
Know no one
Know no direction
I am a linseed grain
A writer with no brain
A musician with no tune
A writer with no name
A musician who stares at the moon
Out of tune
Out of tune
Stares at the moon
A writer who will fall soon
Yes, I write about the moon
My violin is out of tune
I cared, I ignored
You smiled, I cried
I miss you
I keep on walking

I am leaving your place, unknown
Torn and insecure
I see my future, dark
What I have left behind, dark and hazy
But I keep on walking
For you
I breathe in fumes
And I keep on walking

September 29th, 2010

Kimi Ismawi

Monday, September 27, 2010


Satu aksara indah itu yang kau kekalkan
Ianya hidup bersama seniman yang cuba meramal masa depan
Sang pencinta hidup mencari peninggalan orang lama

Setiap pukulan gong mengingatkan kembali kisah silam
Aku yang berdamping dengan pena dan kertas mencatat kisah itu melalui perkataan
Violin membisu
Dan aku lemas dalam ayat-ayat yang bertakung dalam minda

Kau teman yang telah lama menjajah diriku
Ingat lagi gerak-geri tari yang pernah aku tahu?
Lagu-lagu didendang menggunakan alat muzik
Cerita-cerita dikumpulkan lalu jadi puisi

Sekarang aku hanya mampu bernafas jika kau ada
Kau mengalir dalam badan menggantikan darah merah
Dan aku hanyut bersamamu

Kau jiwaku
Terima kasih
Ini semua salahmu

September 27, 2010

Kimi Ismawi

Last Day as an ASWARA student

Flowers plucked by Abg Pali. And yes, I know he plucked it from ASWARA garden. Haha..

Music Faculty. My major instrument on the banner.

With Anip from Theatre Faculty.

With Ejat from Fine Arts Faculty. We called ourselves the Twig Legs. Haha!

The dude who gave me flowers =)

Future Tok Dalang.... Muhd Fadly Ishak. Haha xD

With my best friend, Arohi (not her real name), from Theatre Faculty. We haunt all KTM stations around KL, especially Midvalley station.


Esan Samat. Lost in Midvalley.

With Esan from Theatre Faculty. He taught me acronyms like 'K.K.N." = Kelass Kau Nyah...

Arohi with her drink. Show off. Haha xD

Arohi and Ymi from Film Faculty.
"The best burger in town! (thumb-up)".

September 25th, 2010

Kimi Ismawi

Thursday, September 23, 2010

to those who believe they can move forward with tradition...

This is my decision.

I am leaving ASWARA.

It's for my own good. My future. My life.

Thank you
best friends:
Aroha, Edd, Bella, Kak Ayu, Pinky, Andrew, Anith, Yieen

friends from Music Faculty:
Izzy, Taqi, Jeff, Afeeq, Lan, Meor, Raiha, Irena, Ikhwan, Anip, Akmal, Ali, Alif JCL, Yatai, Fahmi, Shahir, Chak, Umar, Ari, Khairul, Akmal, Pidi, Anip, Joe and everyone else.. there's too many of you...

friends from other faculties:
Abg Alloy, Anip, Tash, Myra, Fazly, Yasran, Shahrin, Athilia, Nadia, Adek, Aniq, Bella, Akhmal and again, there's too many of you!

awesome seniors/friends:
Kimie Aziz, Rudy, Nick, Mune, Esan, Abg Ymi, Abg Fizee, Abg Fizul, Abg Roy, Abg Radzmi, Kak Ayu, Ng, Mac, Abg Pali, Ilham and others...

Cikgu Azlan, Pak Nasir, Pak Mael, Abg Jai, Encik Shukor, Puan Dot, Cik Ann

Group 3 orientation gang (picture on top)

Let me close my chapter in ASWARA.

I bid you good bye

Good night

You were bittersweet

I am sorry I have to leave
But my mind is aching
My heart is breaking
Here's my last kiss
For the place which used to love me

Till we meet again..

"Melangkah Ke Hadapan Bersama Tradisi"

Kimi Ismawi,
Music Faculty July-September 2010.

Monday, September 20, 2010

I Am Good Words Unwritten

I am dawn,
I am dead men's moan,
I am the pale blue moon,
I am the silent tune.

I am the ray of light,
I am unfinished task,
I am the dark light,
I am the saint outcast.

I am wound,
I am fear,
I am your drop of tear,
I am the glass, unclear.

I am the reason,
I am the treason,
I am the fall season,
I am good words unwritten.

I am this,
and I am hate,
I am the blood sold,
I am the lost soul.

-written somewhere in 2008.

Kimi Ismawi

Friday, September 17, 2010

For the lovable Miss Pushy in ASWARA

You see me, I am lost,
And everything I know disappears,
Dawn to dusk, always the night,
You read my mind, despair in my eyes.

You talk and laugh,
I cry and laugh,
You crack up jokes that kill,
But I take things seriously,
Relationships and misery,
Songs and poetry,
I am the only one who understand,
And you are the one who make me stand.

You push me forward and I look backward,
Curse me all the time but I freeze up like ice,
I curl up in a ball,
You kiss me good night,
I realize you care too much that you are my drug.

You bring life to the room,
Your voice warms up my space,
Annoying but you are addictive,
Sort of secretive,
You give me new spirit to live with,
And you are my wake up call,
I hate you and I love you,
You are the one who hear my throatless screams.

September 17th, 2010.

Kimi Ismawi

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Book of..... Depression???

It's been a year now, been wanting to do this.

It's been a year now, that I have been thinking of this....

It's been a year now......... Ok, no more suspend2 lah.

Getting my book published is a dream of mine. Not just any book though, a book of depression. Why depression?

Depression: 1. sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy
2. a sunken or depressed geological form
3. a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity
4. "I want to die".

I am depressed most of the times, and somehow I am addicted to it. I channel, express my depression through my poems. My songs. Everytime I complete my poem or lyric or whatever crap, there is this feeling of losing all insecurities, little by little, that I can breathe easily again. Even the toxic air smells like fresh flowers. Maybe it's not depression that I am addicted to... Maybe my drug is post-depression.

Let's go back to the book.
I would like to collect poems on anger, depression, suffocation, sorrow, devastation, emptiness and hopefully compile everything into a book. I want this book to be published so anyone who feels like dying can read it and then realized that it's ok to live a sad life. People can read the inaudible voices of sick souls.

Help me out.

Anyone who feels like contributing or getting involve, I need all of the sick, sad poems. Poems can be in English or Bahasa Malaysia. No exception on swear words. Curse all you like. Haha.
I won't claim anyone else's poems as mine, so please don't forget your name.

Publishing? Will figure that out soon. I need advice on publishing.

Maybe 'INAUDIBLE' is a good title.

Kimi Ismawi

Monday, September 13, 2010

Theatre equals to awesome (no joke!)

I spent a lot of times with theatre students. The verdict? Eye-opener. Theatre is a unit where all sorts of arts combine. Take musical theatre as an example:
Definitely need the actors and actresses (obviously..... duhhh..)
Music. 80% of the dialogues are sung.
Dance. Completes the music part, I guess?
Writing. Writers write script.. (in case you are dumb. ok, love you!)
Fine arts. For stuff...... hehe......

Oh damn I have writers' block. Haha!
Here is a video that I've recorded a few days before mid-term break.
Recorded in Taming Sari Studio, ASWARA.
Kudos to awesome friends who were practicing in the video. (lmao xD)

And so.... Theatre is pure awesome. Thank you. Have a nice day.

Kimi Ismawi

Sunday, September 12, 2010

This is the latest update. Read up or I'll kill you.

Hello my very few readers! (haha)

It's been a while since the last time I updated this thing.

I am now studying in Akademi Seni Budaya dan Warisan Kebangsaan (ASWARA), also known as Akademi Seni Kebangsaan (ASK... this is the old name before whoever bla bla bla changed it to ASWARA), doing music diploma... ( I know! Kimi? Music? Thought she's a writer!). It is strange though, even for me, because I have been writing for 6 years now, and all of a sudden I am doing a freakin' diploma in music. My major instrument is Violin (which is also unexpected, because I love horns, woodwinds, etc). Ok, let me explain......................... (read next paragraph)

It was a last minute decision. I still remember I kept on telling my parents that I wanted (I still do) to do writing in ASWARA (period: form 3 - form 5). Teachers even encouraged me to write more and go for writing, and I was like "yes, I love writing!" bla bla yip yap yippity yap yap.. Remember poetry? Kimi and her DBP warehouse sale, Dewan Sastera, lagu puisi, hunting for rare books. I love those stuff so much. I was on drug (metaphor, I am clean) when I told my mom that I wanna do music. Why? Because I have been singing since I was 6! I told her that music is what I always loved. What keeps me happy. And I write lyrics. (whatever, that is still 'writing'). So I enrolled for music class. I learnt violin for 5 months from an awesome Russian lady with my spirit of going for ASWARA audition so damn high, never complained, 5 classes in a week? No problem!

Came the day of ASWARA audition. I was wearing red kebaya and black boots (boot girl konon, like 'I have attitude' whatever shit). I had to sit for a written test, which was ok. The questions on literature was so easy (takbur like hell. I need help. PRONTO!), because...... It's ok. Let's just say I read a lot. I was the first Malaysian who did the audition this year (Kuching was the first in the list, and I was the first one in the list. You do the maths). 3 interviewers: the guy who looked like Gene Simmons, Encik Hamdan, a lady. Questions were supposed to be asked in malay, but I was like "can I speak in english?"... Cehh.... Demand gitu! (thanks En. Hamdan for agreeing!) It's not that I did not want to speak in malay. It's just that my malay (verbally) sucks so bad. It's not my mother tongue. I am a true Sarawakian who would hunt for heads if I was given the chance! Interview was ok. My file was full of certificates. Certificates on writing and literature. (I should have realized this earlier. Kimi is a writer).

Surprisingly though, I am accepted in ASWARA.

Here I am now. Blogging on the 3rd day of Eid Mubarak, as music student.

I do feel like I don't belong in music faculty. BUT I AM NOT GIVING UP, at least not until Abg Jai hit me with a keyboard or any other shit happens. Haha! "Pundek!" xD

A freakin' war between 2 faculties happening in my mind right now.

Musician or writer, I am always inaudible.

By the way, I still write poems and lyrics so if you gotta find me:

Kimi Ismawi